musings on depression

If I could pin my waves of depressed periods to actual life events that would give me some solace, But all I have are these recurring waves which have no explanations which I've begun to expect to always be around the corner.

I don't know how to be 'out there' or even if I have the energy to be 'out there'. Everything feels circular.

Life feels too slow at fixing itself and too fast in leaving me behind. I envy those who feel a sense of belonging and security in their identity and wish that were me.

The best explanation of my internally screaming experience I could come up with is this: I imagine there's a 2D graph plane with -x to +x and +y to -y. 0x is the baseline level most people are at and everything that makes them happy peaks above it and everything that makes them sad dips below it. I feel like my baseline is set at -10x. Things must be extraordinarily good in order to even register as happiness, if not, it just washes over me and I feel nothing at all.

Depression feels like a flat baseline hum that's always there regardless of what's happening.

I can't remember a time when time flew by, I am always painfully aware of its passing.

I have realised that there is a deep restless tiredness and apathy towards life which has come from within me, that's just rested around me. I'm so tired, so lost, so hopeless despite desperately trying to keep up the facade of being happy and progressing.

I feel none of it, nothing at all.

Happiness is fleeting, perhaps too fleeting to even bother holding on to when it arrives.

Everything passes me by, time flows through me and I am but a passenger to my own existence.

What meaning will one derive or attribute to my life? I feel none myself.

I understand love, and at times in art I see it, and the sudden burst of it overcomes me, but I do not know if I will ever experience it. Am I even capable of braving through and accepting it? Will I manage to not run away from it like I have so many times in the past when an inkling of a start materialised?

I merely exist around those I know I love but do not feel them, do not truly know them, I simply am living an apology for my own existence.

Background anxiety, background depression. I’ve been underwater for all my life, or as far back as I can remember. I’m depressed, I have been for a long long time, and I’m tired of finding excuses to claim I’m not. I hope this is the start of me finding ways to be okay.